


Terms and Conditions May Vary

by ColourOfNight



Series: Meat for Master Attendant [4]
Category: Food Fantasy (Video Game)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Attempt at Humor, Biting, Blood Drinking, Cunnilingus, Double Penetration, Femdom, Humor, Lemon, Mention of Paperwork, Minor Sacrilege, Multi, Multiple Orgasms, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Other, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Rope Bondage, Shameless Smut, Smut, Teasing, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-23 11:47:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19700731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColourOfNight/pseuds/ColourOfNight
Summary: What with the latest chapters of Extended Protection Warranty, at some point, I had to write something with the three of them. Actually, this is why the latest chapter is been taking so long to write. That and the... other work I have planned for this series.Red Wine is a little shit. Master Attendant isn't exactly on her best behaviour, either. Steak... well... Nobody blames him, at least.





	Terms and Conditions May Vary

**Author's Note:**

> What with the latest chapters of Extended Protection Warranty, at some point, I had to write something with the three of them. Actually, this is why the latest chapter is been taking so long to write. That and the... other work I have planned for this series.
> 
> Red Wine is a little shit. Master Attendant isn't exactly on her best behaviour, either. Steak... well... Nobody blames him, at least.

The nibbling at her neck grew more insistent as she continued to work.

“...Steak,” she chided, “I won't get done anytime soon if you keep distracting me.” His arms tightened around her waist.

“Maybe you need to take a break,” he mumbled into her skin. “You've been doing paperwork all day.”

“Mmhm. That's because there's a lot of it to do.” Master Attendant frowned a little. She'd only stopped for her usual Afternoon Tea, and had returned to the paperwork almost immediately afterwards. Steak had come in soon after and insisted that if she was going to do paperwork again, she should sit on his lap. Her work pace had slowed considerably.

“Yes, all the more reason to take a break.” As he shifted his head, one of his horns nudged her scalp. Then he started kissing and licking her neck a little more fervently.

“...do not make me tie you up.” He made a rumbling sound, a chuckle that was forced against her skin.

“If you do, you could do whatever you wanted with me...”

“... that's a dangerous proposition...” she purred. His lips grazed her ear.

“...whatever. You. Wanted. All night...” The heat was rising, and apparently this was the breaking point for her. She put her pen down and wriggled a little further into his lap.

“Anything?”

“Anything.” She slowly turned, putting her arms around his neck.

“And how would you prefer to be tied up?” she murmured. “After all, it's not until you're tied up that I'm in full control.” Grinning, he lifted her up as he stood, carrying her over to the bed with practised ease.

“Naked,” he said, “with you on me, Master Attendant.” She couldn't help but laugh.

“I can go with that...” When he sat on the bed, she shifted to straddle his hips, leaning in to kiss his lips briefly. “Well, I'd better get the ropes, then.” Before she could move though, he tightened his grip on her waist, keeping her there and kissing her lips hungrily. It was only after they both needed some air that he let her go. As she scurried to grab the rope, he stripped himself and shuffled up to the headboard, rearranging pillows to make himself comfortable. She returned to straddling him a few minutes later, holding a few bundles of rope and a small bottle of oil. He smirked.

“Do you think you've got enough rope there?” She laughed.

“Oh, I hope so.” She kissed his nose. “Now...” She hesitantly grabbed both his arms, and moved them. “If I stretch or move anything uncomfortably, let me know...” She placed his arms above his head, tying them deftly to the headboard and to each other, checking each bit to make sure he still had wiggle room. “...how's that so far?”

“...it seems fine, Master Attendant.” There was a pause as she toyed a little with his hair. She kissed his forehead before moving down his body – occasionally planting kisses as she went – to his legs. He watched with fascination as she skilfully and cautiously tied his legs. Not only were his ankles near his thighs, it felt like there were solid bars keeping them at a set distance apart. He genuinely couldn't move them, and when she noticed him trying to move, she looked concerned, quickly stopping what she was doing and crawling up his body to gauge his expression.

“Steak, is it-”

“No, I'm just... impressed at how strong these are.” He laughed. “Where did you learn to do this?” Suddenly, her face matched his hair.

“I might have... asked Chocolate and Coffee...” His laughter turned into a deep chuckle.

“Should have known.” He closed his legs, his thighs giving her the closest thing to a hug that he could, and he smiled. “This is the same kind of rope Bamboo Rice had borrowed from Chocolate.” She nodded, and relaxed a little.

“It's soft, and very strong. Also, it's been made to resist most types of magic.” His eyebrows shot up in surprise, and she grinned. “Well, that's what I was told, anyway. I know it can't be cut with Blade Chop, but it does dissolve with Super Dark Cuisine. And it resists physical cutting.”

“Huh.” He loosened his grip and gave her a lop-sided smile. She kissed his nose again before resuming her knotwork. Before long, his legs were spread wide open with enough room for full access, and he blushed a little. “I'm feeling a little underdressed, Master Attendant...” She said nothing, kissing up his thigh softly.

At this, his dick started to get harder, having only been at half-mast before. Locking eyes with him, she slowly and very deliberately began to lick it, planting a kiss at its tip. The small groan he let out made her smile broadly before she continued kissing and licking the growing member. Then, she gently began working the base with her hands as her mouth focused on the tip. The noises he was making between softly muttered swear words spurred her on, and she sped up just enough to get him gasping.

Then she stopped, pulling off of him suddenly. His face was flushed, and his chest heaving. She smiled deviously, licking her lips before giving his dick a quick kiss. Part of her mind registered that his precum tasted slightly meaty – and then started wondering if all the Food Souls tasted like their namesakes. His low whining brought her mind back to the task at hand, and she chuckled as she knelt upright.

She hitched up her skirt, revealing her underwear. Then, she made a show of sliding it off, one leg after the other. He could see that he hadn't been the only one to get excited, and it made his dick twitch in anticipation. Shifting so that she was straddling his hips again, she kissed his neck before pressing kisses to his pulse point, his jaw, his ear, and that little sensitive spot just below his ear. The needy sounds he was making only intensified as she started throwing some tiny circular licking into the mixture.

Reaching behind herself with one hand, she lined his member up to sit between her cheeks before starting to slowly grind herself on him. She could feel his dick twitching and throbbing beneath her as she moved, bringing him closer to climax. Sticking her fingers into her mouth to coat them in saliva, she leant back, and started massaging the area around his entrance.

“Master Att- please...” he continued to plead as she worked the ring of muscle open, sliding a finger in to start massaging inside. “Unf. Fuck... Master Attendant... I'm going to-”

Then, she had a very mean thought.

“I really should continue with the paperwork.” She slowly got up, ignoring the glare she was getting from him. She used her underwear to wipe his soaked appendage, giving it a little kiss.

“You little scoundrel!” She winked at him as she turned to walk away from the bed, smoothing her skirt back down, but leaving her underwear by his torso.

“Hey, you did say I was allowed to do whatever I wanted if I tied you up, right?” She ignored the long and angry string of expletives coming from the very-much immobile Steak.

Truthfully, the important paperwork had already been done before he'd suggested this. She couldn't help but grin to herself as she continued with the minor stuff for a little bit. 

She sauntered back over to him, and started working him a little, bringing him to the edge again before returning to her desk, with a fresh batch of swearing and even more creative insults.

A little while later, she'd finished the paperwork. Stretching her arms up, she walked over to the water jug and poured herself a glass. Thinking about Steak, she poured a second one out, but her attention was stolen by a knock on the door.

“Master Attendant?” Red Wine. She opened the door. He seemed agitated, with the palest dusting of pink at the tips of his ears.

“Red Wine? Is everything alright?”

“Have you seen that meathead around, have you?” She hummed.

“He's probably tied up somewhere. Why...?” Red Wine stepped into the room.

“I can't seem to settle down. I'm going to go on patrol again, and it's better to take someone with me. Even if it is him.” She playfully batted him, and he smiled a little. “Well, if he's not around, I think... I...” The door seemed to close of its own accord. “I think I'd better do something else, hmm?”

“Oh? Ah...” He'd drawn closer to her, and leaned in, planting a kiss on her lips. His hands swiftly moved to her hips, and she noted that he'd managed to remove his gloves in the blink of an eye. His hand snaked down her skirt, pausing only when it changed direction,weaving under her skirt and upwards. Red Wine chuckled, breath tickling her ear.

“...oho. Master Attendant, have you been... naughty? No wonder I couldn't concentrate on things.” His other hand wrapped itself around her waist, and he lifted her up off the floor. She would have protested if he hadn't begun nibbling at her lips. He moaned, and started moving her towards the bed, only stopping when he heard a wry voice.

“You little bastard...” This jolted Red Wine out of his little trance, and he looked up to see Steak tied to the bed looking flustered and slightly excited. Master Attendant went a bright shade of crimson as she watched Red Wine's expression change from confusion to amusement before finally settling on something predatory.

“Oh...” She chuckled.

“Well, I saw the opportunity to make the joke, and-” Red Wine gently threw her onto the bed, and she landed squarely between Steak's spread legs awkwardly as she tried to avoid hitting him. The rope that she was using to keep Steak's legs open hit her back instead, and she flinched. Red Wine's eyes were dark, lustful, and calculating. He leaned over her, supporting himself on Steak's knees as he murmured into her ear.

“I see that you've been working him, but not finished him off?”

“...I was going to let him finish when I finished my work.” Red Wine chuckled.

“So mean.” He lifted his head to look at Steak, who had started to get stiffer again. “Is Master Attendant being mean?”

“She's being a workaholic, is what.” Steak huffed. “It's all she's been doing today.”

“No wonder she's being mean. Maybe we should... help her unwind.”

“I was going to go with punishment, but-”

“Why not both.” Before Master Attendant could react, Red Wine had simultaneously grabbed both her wrists and started to slide her blouse off, holding her wrists above her head. He paused, waiting to see her reaction. When she blushed, smiling wryly, he continued, flinging it off somewhere into the room as he undid his belt. Leaning in again to tie his belt around her wrists, his lips brushed dangerously close to hers. Instead of kissing her, though, he instead opted to lick from her chin upwards along her jaw and up to her ear. Steak started grumbling to himself.

“...bastard.” Red Wine sighed, and lifted Master Attendant up, flipping her over and hooking her tied hands around Steak's neck. She craned her neck to try and see what he was up to.

“Hey, what are-”

“I think this will be the most fun for all of us.” Red Wine stuck his tongue out, demonstrating its length before he stripped himself and made himself comfortable. Steak was fully hard again, and Red Wine took the chance to lick up Steak's shaft in one motion. Steak shivered in anticipation but whined again when Red Wine started focusing on Master Attendant.

He pulled her hips to position them closer to Steak's member, but Red Wine started by kissing up her thighs. Although she tried to close her legs, Red Wine held them open by holding them to Steak's knees. The noises she made were gobbled up by Steak, who couldn't help but kiss her lips when they had just been put into range. They shared some more open-mouthed kisses, only stopping when they both gasped.

Red Wine had kissed her clit before starting to tease it with his tongue. At the same time, he began gently running his fingers up and down Steak's shaft. Red Wine then began sucking softly on Master Attendant's delicate skin, enjoying the muffled moans she made as well as the growing wetness as she got more and more visibly aroused. He continued until she was quivering and even Steak's lips couldn't contain her noises. She'd clearly climaxed, but he kept going, this time using his fingers as well, dipping in and out of her with various motions that only served to make her louder. His dexterous fingers found all the right spots to make her produce the best noises. She was gasping into Steak's collarbone, kissing it and giving it the occasional nibble.

Then he stopped fingering her, and moved his fingers to Steak's entrance, using her juices to continue what she'd started. Before she could miss the penetration though, Red Wine thrust her hips onto Steak's fully erect cock, getting most of it in with one fluid motion. Red Wine having focused on something else, she shifted her hips slightly to keep the sensations going. Red Wine took this as a cue to finger Steak more thoroughly, working Steak wider before generously applying some oil from the small bottle left by Steak's hips. 

Slowly, Red Wine pressed his dick into Steak, teasing the horned man by occasionally pulling out slightly, sometimes rubbing the ring of muscle to provide more stimulation. Master Attendant slowed her movements right down to match, and Steak started grumbling.

“You're both- ah... hah... Fuck...”

“Hmm? What was that?”

“I said, you're both ass- hah-” Red Wine started pounding hard, taking Steak's breath away before he could finish the sentence. The movement made Master Attendant gasp, too. Red Wine leaned over her and started nibbling her shoulder, reaching around to remove her breasts from her bra.

“I think, he's a little... upset that he hasn't finished yet.” Red Wine reached to the base of Steak's dick and gripped it hard. She didn't need to see Red Wine's face to know that he was currently looking very pleased with himself – because Steak was looking angrier. “Besides, we both know that if he finishes now, playtime will...” Steak almost growled.

“You- ugh- bast- ah!” Red Wine's laugh was evil.

“Oh no. I'm not going to let you... until Master Attendant's well and truly finished.”

“...and you said I was being mea- ngh!” She couldn't help but moan as Red Wine toyed with a nipple. She could feel Red Wine's teeth on her neck, the sharp canines scraping dangerously along her skin.

“Well, this is about getting you to unwind.” He teasingly licked her ear, the wet sounds almost overbearing. He gave a gentle nibble on her earlobe. “And since you've done such a good job of restraining him, I fully intend to use it.” He kissed the space just under her ear, trailing his lips towards her pulse point, and murmuring into her skin. “...but yes, you have been mean, haven't you?”

Red Wine looked at Steak, who seemed to be concentrating on holding on, but still wore a vaguely lewd look on his face. Master Attendant chuckled.

“Red Wine... If you do – ah...” Red Wine's hand moved from her nipple and down her body sensually, stopping at her clit before gently rubbing it. “...wear me out - hah - I'm not going... to be able to stop Steak from killing you...”

“Two words, Master Attendant.” He briefly removed the hand from her crotch, deftly covered it in oil, and started massaging her other entrance in exactly the same way as he'd done to Steak. “Worth. It.”

“Aah... What are-” Out of shock, she sat up, shifting all the angles. The movement changed how it all felt, and she was on the edge again. Craning her neck around, Red Wine met her lips as he moved his dick from Steak and into her ass. He let go of Steak's cock so that he could better control her hips as he slowly entered her. It was a little painful, but he was gentle as he could be.

“...I can't resist _this_.” Red Wine started nibbling her neck again as his cock went further inside her. The feeling made her arch her back with a gasp.

The feeling of both holes being filled made her mind go blank, and she couldn't help but cry out in pleasure. Once Red Wine was fully inside her – with Steak in the other side – it was all she could do not to cry out with any slight movement. When Steak inhaled deeply, it made his member twitch, and she had to bite down on her lip to keep quiet.

“Master Attendant... Are... you alright?” Steak's concern for her overrode his discomfort.

“I... I'm fine...” She gasped. “I- ungh... ah...” Her face was flushed, and Steak could feel himself teetering on the edge of orgasm just from seeing the look on her face. His slight shifting made her whimper softly, and his concern rose yet again.

Before Steak could ask again, though, Red Wine carefully pumped himself in and out of her, and she came again. Her expression and her breathless gasps coupled with all the sensations pushed Steak over the edge, and his wet moans shot out along with a thick warmth that spread from her insides, spilling out and down as his seed combined with her gushing fluids. Red Wine thrust in again, deliberately aiming to rub against Steak's cock. 

“Fuck- When I- ...ugh... Oh fuck...” Steak squirmed as his oversensitive member received more stimulation, making Master Attendant pant harder as she almost hit her limit.

“Please... mmph... I- I... hah... No more... I...” Red Wine leaned in to whisper into her ear, reaching one hand up and giving her nipples another squeeze. 

“Once more, for me, Master Attendant.” He pulled her closer to him, changing the angles yet again. “Just. For. Me.” He nuzzled into her neck again, taking in the scent. And with that, he bit down just hard enough to draw blood, moaning softly. It didn't long before she was trembling with another climax. Another stream of warmth filled her as he came to a shuddering halt, panting. Despite her ass being full of Red Wine's cock, it felt like his seed threatened to leak out if they moved. He licked the bite carefully, kissing it softly and trailing his lips up and down.

They remained like that for a few moments, and her eyelids began to feel leaden. Her head was spinning and it was getting harder to stay awake. She vaguely felt the sensations of warm liquid seeping down her legs as she was moved delicately, and the feeling of hands easing her down. There was some amused chuckling and some angry growling as she faded into sleep.

**

She awoke in the early morning light, alone on the bed. It was messy, and there were a few stains here and there that probably belonged to the oil used for lube, mixed with bodily fluids. Or was it? No. It seemed more like oil transfer. And there were small soot marks here and there.

Her lower half ached a little, and she thought back on the events of the previous night. After a few minutes of recollection, she sighed. She felt the need for a confessional.

Standing up was difficult. Apparently her knees were still weak, and trying to stand had made her head spin. Definitely hungover. But the bigger mystery was why she seemed... fresh? She touched her hair. It was still damp, and lightly fragrant. Then, she noticed her pyjamas. Yeah. She was in a cosy set.

Nothing became apparent when she reached her sofa – more precisely, the coffee table – only adding to the confusion.

There was a full spread of lumpiang, a warm pot of coffee, and a large vase full of purple hyacinths and some vaguely familiar white flowers. Asphodel, maybe. As she sat on the sofa, confused by the whole thing, there was a knock on the door.

“Master Attendant? Are you awake?” Donut.

“Morning, Donut. Come in.” The door opened slowly, and the nervous face of Donut peered in. Her expression changed to relief as she saw Master Attendant sitting on the sofa, and she strode over. Donut looked a little tired, and honestly, Master Attendant probably looked worse. Master Attendant smiled nonetheless. “There's a lot of lumpiang here, and enough coffee to drown in.”

What followed was a very detailed explanation of events from Donut's perspective.

In the dark hours of the morning, Red Wine had knocked on the chapel door begging for sanctuary. She'd opened the door to find a naked Red Wine being chased by an equally skyclad Steak. It took some calming – read: locking the two of them in the chapel – before things settled down. Well, if only with a lot of screaming and questionable levels of destruction before the dust settled. Thankfully the chapel was a very new addition, yet to be fully furnished, but they'd damaged some of the stonework and scorched some of the carvings.

The grimace on Master Attendant's face grew during this explanation.

“...but that doesn't explain...” Master Attendant gestured to the table. Donut laughed.

“Oh, this is just the start of their apology Milk, Black Tea, and I forced them into. I don't know what happened to get Steak so angry, but... Well, I gathered from their vague confessions that it had something to do with what you three were doing last night.” Donut had a glint in her eyes. This was the look that meant that she was fishing for gossip, and her next words just confirmed it. “Do you want to confess your sins, Master Attendant?” Master Attendant chuckled darkly.

“Oh Holy Matron, please forgive me, for I have sinned...” Master Attendant sighed. “You help yourself to lumpiang and coffee, and let me know how much detail you want to hear...”

Donut left much later, red-faced, with a very deep understanding of what had caused the ado. And the urge to fill a spray bottle with Holy Water specifically for extra confessions.

Master Attendant smiled to herself as soon as she was alone. Not because of holy confessions, or sage advice... No, she smiled because from what Donut had said – the idiot pair had changed the sheets and washed her whilst she had slept... and then Steak tried to kill Red Wine.

She decided to have some more lumpiang before crawling back into bed.

~*~Epilogue~*~

Peking Duck sat smoking his pipe, watching his children paddling in the small pond. From behind him, there was a small sigh, and Master Attendant plopped down next to him.

“Master Attendant... Isn't it a wonderful day?”

“Isn't it just?” She watched his children swimming happily and sighed contentedly. “It's the kind of day made for just relaxing.” 

Screams echoed through the bamboo thicket, almost sounding like Steak trying to kill Red Wine. Again. If you strained to listen, that is. Master Attendant chuckled, removing her shoes and dipping her feet into the coolness of the water.

“...just _made_ for relaxing...” Peking Duck smiled, a hint of amusement in his eyes.

“Indeed.”

**Author's Note:**

> Of course, there had to be some humour in there, too. 
> 
> ALSO: DON'T DO WHAT RED WINE DOES IN THIS - DON'T DO THAT ANAL-ANAL THING WITHOUT CHANGING CONDOMS IN BETWEEN.  
> And don't use oil for lube if you're using condoms.
> 
> Until Pretzel becomes summonable, Donut will have to be our Holy Matron. And Peking Duck, with his - um - interesting nature, to celebrate the fact I recently got him to 3* in the game. There was going to be a joke about someone performing Peking Opera, but after some research, I couldn't actually justify it to myself.
> 
> Oh! And I should mention that Purple Hyacinths and Asphodel flowers are both traditional flowers in apology bouquets. They also look quite good together. 
> 
> Lumpiang are like spring rolls, and although traditionally savoury, there is a Filipino restaurant near me that does the most amazing (sweet) Ube Keso lumpiang.
> 
> The weird headcanons I've picked up about those two Food Souls and their bedroom antics. Yeah. I HC that Steak has a longer refractory period than Red Wine, and I don't know why. They probably went to Sweet Tofu for the health-check afterwards. Sweet Tofu's probably a more kink-friendly healer than Milk.
> 
> Also that in terms of their dick sizes, there was a conversation like such:
> 
> *Red Wine and Steak compare"
> 
> Red Wine: Ha! Mine's longer.
> 
> Steak: But not very thick. 
> 
> *cue argument about length vs girth and satisfaction*  
> *they go to MA*
> 
> MA: Best dick? You're both being dicks about now... But the best cock... Well, have either of you seen what Bambi has under that loincloth? I'm surprised Beggar's Chicken still walks!


End file.
